Poetz.com had a contest to determine conclusively the answer to "a crucial, irksome, endless, so-far-answerless question: is it Open Mike? or Open Mic?" This one won, and I'll be known forever as "the poet who solved the mystery of the open mi...'s."

Oh My Mi__…

Mic, mike, Michael, microphone;
Through you, we poets rant and moan.
Through feedback, buzzing, and blown fuses
We speak our verse and praise the Muses.

How shall we spell thee? Count the ways;
Mic's odd, and mike on even days.
Does spelling change for gays or dykes?
Do lesbians have open mykes?

It's said that "mike" is chauvinist
and "mic" on the gender-neutral list.
I can't help feel that the word "mic"
Should be pronounced like "prick" or "dick."

One end's big, and one end's little;
Split the difference up the middle:
Please 'em all with this device:
The new, official word's spelt mice.

Monger peace throughout the nation;
Choose a new abbreviation!
There's "cro" (or "crow:" another choice)
Or "fo" through which to speak your voice.

I'm so sorry; "phone" is taken;
Coin a word of your own makin'!
Fortissimant? Stentorifier?
Verbechoate to your heart's desire!

At venues for all or alcoholics,
Let's have more Open Whatchamacallits!
More poetry and less moronics:
Let's teach kids "Hooked on Microphonics."

The greener grass of common sense,
I find on this side of the fence:
Although it claims to sound alike,
Mic is icky. I like MIKE!

© 2001 F.J. Bergmann

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